Grateful

I have been overwhelmed today. I spend a lot of days feeling overwhelmed, but today was different. Instead of being overwhelmed with work, I have been overwhelmed with an outpouring of friendship and love. This week has been hard as I have wondered and worried about how to best handle this break-up. I have been greatly blessed with dear friends and family members who have spent a lot of time helping me through it.

Today it really hit me how much I have needed people and how abundantly they have come into my life this week. Today at work, a good friend showed great concern for me, listened to me as he always does, counseled me ever so carefully and then asked in all sincerity how he could help lift my burden. Later in the afternoon, my visiting teacher came and listened to me tell about my recent break-up and how difficult it is for me. She counseled me with love and held me tight when we said goodbye. And in the evening, I talked to another friend from work who called about a work related issue. She inquired about how I was doing and then listened to me and talked to me for over an hour, although I'm certain she was putting off something important to do so. She also counseled me in love and at the end of our conversation I apologized for keeping her so long, but she sincerely thanked me for letting her lift my burden a little. She expressed her love for me and told me how much people love me and want to help.

When she said that, I was reminded of the months just after Carter died. I was surrounded by people who loved me and who patiently listened to me process my thoughts and fears and sadness verbally. I work through things by talking, so it was helpful for me to be able to talk to so many people who wanted so much to help carry my burden. It truly helped me to heal.

This situation is different in many ways, but it is still the loss of a man I thought would a part of my life. So it has been really helpful for me to talk to several friends and hear of their love for me. I've had family members call me and talk for hours, I've gotten emails from others offering counsel and love and encouragement. Friends have called me or emailed me daily to check on me and usually spend a good amount of time listening to me work through it. Everyone has been tender with me and has encouraged me. All offer their counsel at my request, but are also careful to let me know that they will support me with whatever I choose to do. It really has lifted my burden, and I am so grateful for it. I'm not sure I could have managed this whole situation without the help, support, time, and advice from many special people in my life. I am truly overwhelmed by the number of people who care about me. I am grateful to God for putting them in my life whenever I really need them. I have times of feeling alone, but during this particularly difficult time of loneliness, I have felt a surge of support from so many people. I feel so blessed and privileged to have so many in my life. Thank you to all of you-- you help more than you know!

Holy Crap

I'm getting a cold. I have a slight fever and my head hurts a bit. I keep downing Anti-bio, an herbal concoction that burns everything out of ya. So hopefully it won't turn into something bad, but it's wearing me out a bit. Today I sat in church during singing time in Primary (it's so boring, I practically die every Sunday during singing time) thinking about how all I wanted to do was eat a bowl of hot soup and take a nap on the couch curled up under my soft, red Christmas blanket.

Singing time finally ended and I walked out to my car to find that my plans for the afternoon had been crapped on-- literally. My lovely dog, who barks too much when left alone at home, comes to church with us and sits in the car every Sunday. Normally it isn't a problem, but today I was greeted by an intense smell upon opening the car door. I knew what had happened the moment the scent hit my nose. Nicky, who has been eating junk food at Grandma's for 3 days, had diarrhea all over the back of my wagon. Much of it stuck to his back side and he also stepped in it. So not only was it all over the back of the car, but it was also on the seats and the console and, well, everywhere. I was so bloody mad. I have to admit that I lost my temper. I even swore in the church parking lot (so maybe they'll release me from my callings now...).

I drove home and instead of spending the afternoon resting my sick body, I spent 2 1/2 hours scrubbing my car and bathing my dog (which I had just done last night so that I wouldn't have to do it today). I was mad for about 2 of those hours. I thought I had gotten over my cussing problem, but it came back with a vengeance. I told the kids I was sorry for using bad words and they both said they didn't hear me saying any. I guess I was doing it under my breath. Someday I hope to really kick that habit. It's like smoking-- way hard to stop.

Anyway, my day of holy crap (well, it is the Sabbath) was not fun. But my car is very clean now and so is my dog. Sadly, I never did get a nap, but I eventually ate my warm soup. At least the day wasn't a complete loss...

Hard to say...

I wasn't sure whether I wanted to call this post "The dumbest three weeks of my life" or "What was I thinking???" or "I've finally lost my mind". I keep thinking of the Princess Bride when the six fingered man says, "I've just sucked 2 years of your life away. How does that make you feel?" because I feel like I've just lost three weeks of my life focusing on something other than my to do lists.

Truly though, none of those headings are completely accurate-- it wasn't the dumbest three weeks of my life (though sometimes I wonder if I was being super stupid). And I don't regret the time I spent away from my to do lists. I don't think I've been as happy as I was for those three weeks in the last four years of my life. Several friends kept saying "Wow, Laney! You look really great!" or "Have you changed your hair?" But, no, I hadn't changed my hair or anything else-- I was just happy. Turns out, happiness looks pretty good on me. One friend said, "You're glowing." And I was. I haven't felt so light and happy in years.

So you're wondering what happened. And I'm hesitating to say. It's quite personal and I feel the need to protect, or at least respect, another involved party. So suffice it to say that I had a speedy relationship. 23 days to be exact. Twenty-three days of fun, joy, peace, arguing, frustration, and sadness-- pretty much in that order. It included one day that I would have to call nearly perfect (complete with hiking through untouched snow in a forest in search for the perfect tree, wiping diarrhea off of a nine-year old boy using a snow ball, building a snow grandma, and feeling more content than I have in months). After 16 days, we felt we had known each other for months, and so, crazy as it seemed, when he asked me to marry him I said yes. I changed my life plans with hope for a complete family and the ability to be a "real" mom at home with my kids and the option to bring some others into the world. I felt loved and desirable and beautiful and...well...really happy.

Unfortunately, a bitter reality of incompatible behaviors settled in, resulting in many hours and days of unpleasant debate and irritation on both sides. I was concerned about what I saw so I ended our engagement, asking that we date longer to work through some things; but he felt misjudged and preferred to move on. Both of us see the other one as the reason for the dissolution. And, sadly, we both think we are right. It's probably for the best that it ended though. There were many things that would have been great with us, but I see now that it would also have been very difficult in other significant ways.

It's hard, however, to shift back into life as it is. I'm tired of being alone and thought the end was in sight. Now I am back to seeing an endless road of heavy hauling. I'm thinking of ways that I can lighten my load and will likely make a few changes. But the change I want most is on hold again and still. Thankfully I have many good friends and loving family who support me. So far, no one I have told about this has been judgmental-- and all feel I was spared from something that could have been quiet difficult for many years.

I learned a lot from the experience, for which I am grateful. The most important lesson I learned is to trust God more completely. I thought that this man was practically perfect for me. He matched me in so many ways that it seemed so clear that being together was the way to go. I prayed about it and felt peace to continue. But as I moved forward it became clearer and clearer as the days progressed that he wanted me to change a few very fundamental parts of who I am to accommodate his needs and wants. He wanted me to give up or change things that were very important to me because he perceived them to get in the way of our relationship. And he never seemed to really trust my commitment and love for him. As I saw those things, I realized that he was not perfect for me and that we would likely have tension in our relationship indefinitely until one of us changed our fundamental selves. And since neither one of us believe we are wrong, change would be long in coming and the tension and unhappiness would have remained. So basically, God, instead of guiding me through feelings, let me move forward and helped me "figure it out myself." He let me rely on my reason rather than Him. If He had told me "No, that's not for you" before I could see it myself, I would have been hurt and upset and probably would have done what I wanted to anyway. But I see more clearly now that I can and should listen to Him and trust Him-- and rely on Him rather than my own intellect, which is quite flawed in my mortality. It's actually a lesson I've been taught a few times in the last two months, and this experience just solidifies what I've been learning. So the next time I'm dating Mr. Fabulous and God tells me "No", I'm not going to cry or try to reason around it as I have done a few other times. I feel ready to trust. And that's very good to feel.

So that's it. That's my story of the last month. I have to admit though, that as incompatible as we are, it's still hard for me to let go. I miss him. And I hate being alone. But I do feel this is for the best. He told me during our final discussion before ending communication with each other that I was going against what God had told me because I had felt peace about marrying him. But I believe that God leads us in a direction and then sometimes changes that direction rather quickly. And He does all things for our benefit and learning. The trick is to listen and to be willing to follow Him. So that's what I'm trying to do. I feel peace, and I think this dating relationship wasn't meant to be the final one for my life, but instead was a lesson to be learned. And I'm glad I learned it. Still, I hope I'm nearing the end of my lessons. I hope the next man who comes into my life gets to stay. That would be really nice.

Dogs, rocks, and Mommy

Well, I've made it into the top three list of Emeline's favorite things. She told Grandma Griffin (Grandpa Alan's 95 year old mother) today that her favorite things are dogs, rocks, and Mommy. Grandpa asked her which order the list went in and she put me first... pretty good since her passion for rocks and dogs isn't a mystery to anyone who spends much time around her.

My 9-year-old

My baby boy is nine. I can hardly believe it. I guess it's because he looks like he's six. Of course, he acts like he's 25 sometimes (and three at other times). It's really fun to watch a person grow up! He's developing into such a wonderful person-- very intelligent and kind and thoughtful. His true personality is really coming out in the last year and it is so fun. He is definitely one of my favorite people. I'm fortunate to be his mom! And I'm fortunate that he's more like his Papa than he is like his mother... :)

A few days before his birthday, he asked me how to make oatmeal. Then he told me he wanted to make me breakfast in bed on his birthday. I asked why and reminded him that he had wanted me to make him a "Farmer Boy" breakfast with eggs, waffles, sausage, biscuits, and apple pie (yes, apple pie). But he said, "Remember how you told me that the king is really the servant to the people? Well, I figured that since I am the king of my birthday, that I should serve you and Emeline." So he brought me oatmeal and apple juice and Emeline a bowl of Kix on a cookie sheet with a cloth napkin and we ate it on my bed that morning.

We used to have big bashes every year, but after his 7th birthday party (me + 11 children under age 7 = not fun), I decided to have a party every other year instead of every year. So last year we spent a relaxing time with just the three of us, joined by Grandma and Grandpa later in the evening for some steaks and seafood (Joseph's faves). I much prefer those parties. But Joseph couldn't be convinced to skip his "friend party" this year.

Actually it was easier this year than it ever has been. Joseph designed his own invitations and decided on the theme and games. He had a Star Wars costume party (the invitation read "Bring your own light saber" (BYOLS) and "Can you use the force to choose your costume?" and also gave a slight hint "Star Wars Legos" for any undecided gift-buyers). We had 5 or 6 boys come. The games were a combination Star Wars-Halloween. After making paper light sabers, they played pin the hat on the witch (which Joseph and I made) and bobbed for apples. We headed outside for Zombie Tag and Spider racing and Bat racing. It was about 70 degrees outside that day (amazing for the time of year at 5000 feet elevation), so it was great. He got some nice gifts from his friends, mostly Star Wars lego sets. Grandma gave him the Anakin Skywalker spaceship and Emeline and I gave him a General Grievous spaceship (don't ask me... I don't know what that is...).





Grandma came and took us out to dinner at Applebees. Then she bought Joseph a fish tank with four fish. One died, but we're ok with that because it was the ugly one (the man gave us the wrong one...). Joseph named them Beauty, Sacagawea, and some-other-name-that-I-can't-remember. We're quite the animal family now with a dog, a rat, and three fish. Our next pet will be a goat. I hear goat's milk is quite good if you get the right kind of goat.

So that is the surface version of his birthday. Of course, there is always more to the story and my desire to paint a realistic picture of my life won't let me stop there. So I must explain how I almost ruined the day by having a break down in the morning. With Halloween the day before and a difficult week trying to finish a project for work among my usual stresses, I was not as prepared for the day as I would have liked. I went to bed late due to a Halloween party and so I slept late that morning. I would have gotten out of bed a little earlier, but wanted to let Joseph bring me breakfast in bed (I should encourage service, right?). So my late start added to my stress. The living room was a mess and I had to make the cake and decorate it as well as decorate the house. Decorating the house never happened. And when I took the second pan of the two-layer cake out of the oven, the pan slipped due to my oven mit being upside down and landed face-down on the open oven door. I tried to put a spatula under it to flip it without it falling apart, but the super moist cake couldn't handle being upside down and it crumbled all over the oven door and onto the floor and into the drawer under the oven. Lovely. I started to cuss and then noticed my two children staring at me and tried to show an example of how NOT to throw a tantrum when things go wrong. It was hard, but I maintained some outer control. However, I was not feeling calm inwardly so when a family member called to tell me some news I didn't want to hear, I snapped at her and we got in a bad argument. I felt completely justified at the time, but look back now with embarrassment and sincere regret. Thankfully she was willing to accept my apologies and forgive and forget and it hasn't caused lasting damage. And thankfully I have a sweet little boy who just took everything at stride. I was still finishing the cake decorating as the first guest arrived, so Joseph started them on the light-saber-making and was a good host.

And I wonder why my children are passionate and stubborn and intense... :) Perhaps someday I'll learn to be consistantly calm.

Callings

Sometimes I'm confused how people make decisions about offering a calling in my church. Like when my sister, a stay-at-home mom of 6 children all under the age of 7 years old, was called to nursery (caring for a roomful 18 month old to 3 year old kids). I can imagine her bishop at the time saying to himself "Who should I call to take care of all those kids for 2 hours on Sunday? Hmmm.... I know! How about Lisa! She has lots of young kids, she must love them!" Not considering that perhaps she'd like a little time away from hordes of tiny people for at least two hours on Sundays.

A similar conversation may have happened last week as some people were trying to decide who should be the single adult rep in my current ward. They might have said, "Who could we get to track the 10-15 singles in our ward, help plan activities, and attend them? Hmmm... I know! How about we choose the single mom in the ward who homeschools, is working on a PhD, and has a full-time job! She already has a calling, but I'm sure she can fit one more thing in her schedule!"

It doesn't make any sense. But here I am: the single adult rep in my ward. My hat rack is getting pretty full.... :)

In all honesty, I'm really not upset or bitter about the new hat. In fact, I think I'll like wearing it once in a while. I still don't feel like I have a place in my ward, so this is one way for me to be "forced" to meet new people and try to form a comraderie with them. And most of the time it will just mean that I miss my Sunday nap. (Which could have tragic results if it was every week, but once a month probably won't affect my sanity overly much.) Of course, I'll also have to go to more single adult activities, which proved to be problematic when I went to one this summer (I had a 50-something year old man pursue me for about a month before he got the hint that I don't want to date someone who could be my father.) But I'll just have to learn to be a little meaner to men who don't understand age differences.

I went to my first meeting today with the other ward singles reps. Even though they are all single themselves, I couldn't help but feel we oscillated between patronizing and bleeding hearts-- like we are the only hope for this group of wandering souls, disconnected from social bonds, waiting and wishing for someone, anyone, to make them feel loved. It was a bit grating. But of course, I'm probably being overly sensitive and hard on them. I know they mean well. But I also know that we "singles" aren't just a bunch of wandering souls who need church activities specially designed to fill our lives with joy and meaning.

Despite my, um, cheeriness in this post, I actually am glad for this calling. I think it will be good for me and hopefully I can help a few people feel like they are part of some group who notices them and cares.

Well, I wanted to write more about my schedule and what we've been up to lately-- but it's bedtime. Probably it's for the best that I don't write tonight anyway-- I'm feeling a bit sassy (obviously) and should limit the amount of sassiness I inflict on others.

Have a great week and perhaps I'll be back on next Sunday with some more joy and cheer. :)

Autumn Soup

I had a culinary success tonight in creating my own recipe! A few weeks ago, Joseph spent a couple days in Nevada with some good friends of ours picking organic apples. The last couple dozen of the half bushel that I bought are desperately needing to be eaten, so tonight I decided I would try to add them to my vegetable soup. I looked online briefly for a recipe and saw that people actually did put apples in soup-- so I attempted to adapt my regular vegetable soup recipe from my sister, Misty, to include them.

It turned out really yummy! Even my kids like it (and they don't usually like vegetable soup-- in fact, they cry when I tell them I'm making it for dinner). I named it Autumn Soup because it's perfect for this time of year. We topped it off with some delicious home-pressed organic apple cider which Joseph helped my friends make on his adventure.

So here's the recipe if you're looking for a new soup this fall:

1 white onion
1 purple onion
5 stalks celery
2 carrots
2-3 TBS olive oil
celery salt to taste
6 cups water with chicken bouillon
1 tsp rosemary
1 tsp thyme
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp allspice
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1-2 sweet potatoes
5 small apples
1 can kidney beans (or about 1 1/2 cooked kidney beans)
1/4 cup tomato sauce


Dice or chop vegetables to desired size (bite size). Saute onions, celery, and carrots in olive oil and sprinkle with celery salt until onions are cooked through (don't brown). Add water, bouillon, and spices and bring to a boil. Add potatoes, apples, kidney beans, and tomato sauce and cook with a rolling boil until vegetables are tender (don't overcook or they get too mushy).

Who Will Save Us?

A recent article in the Washington Post reports that Red Cross and other charities, despite increased spending on stockpiling cots, blankets, and food and improved communication systems, will not be sufficient for a major disaster. Likewise, FEMA doesn't have all the resources to assist in a disaster either. So basically, neither the government nor the nonprofit sector has the ability to feed and clothe all of us if disaster strikes. The solution? The article suggests that both nonprofit and government combine-- that the government fund the Red Cross so that these two entities will be able to save us.

Whew. I'm glad that's taken care of. Good thing someone will save me if there's a disaster in my area. Now I can get back to American Idol and stop worrying about preparing for disaster so I can save myself.

Treasuring motherhood

Julie Beck, Relief Society general president, said, "Oh that every girl and woman would have a testimony of her potential for eternal motherhood.... Female roles did not begin on earth, and they do not end here. A woman who treasures motherhood on earth will treasure motherhood in the world to come..."

I've been thinking about that the last few days. Do I treasure motherhood? I don't think I have treasured it the way, or as often, as I should. Sometimes I see motherhood as a frustrating burden, quite honestly. But if I think it's frustrating here, I'm certainly going to think it's frustrating as my role expands into the eternities, with far more children making far more mistakes than mine currently do. So I'd better change my perspective. Whether or not I treasure something is a state of my mind-- I can either focus on the difficulties and frustrations or I can focus each day on the blessings and the opportunities of motherhood and be truly grateful for them. Being a great mother, one who teaches and guides and loves her children, is the best way to impact the world for good. What a sacred role we have! What an exciting opportunity!

This morning, I woke to find a decorated card envelope laying on my laptop (obviously my children know where I spend a majority of my day...). It said, "to mommy (the Best mom)" and was decorated with drawings of hearts, flowers, a bird, and a butterfly. Inside was a card with the most beautiful note I've ever been given as a mother. It read:

"Dear mommy,
I'm just writing this for you because I wanted to thank you for all you have done for Emeline & me. Love your eldest child."

At the top of the card, he drew a picture of me and wrote above it "you take care of me".

He also included a piece of paper with the following poem:

Just for you
by J.D. Cheney

Just for you,
Careful & kind in all you do.
So this poem is for you, good & new.
You are nice,
cute as mice.
You play games with Dice,
while we eat yummy Rice.
So that means that.
This is just for you, Mom.

Wow! I don't think I've treasured motherhood as much as I did in the moment I read that! How amazing that my 8 year old boy appreciates me! It fills me with so much joy! Motherhood is my greatest blessing! How grateful I am that I have my two kids. It is my most important work to help them become amazing people. And they have come to me with so many amazing traits already-- so hopefully I do my job right and help them develop those traits and gain new ones. What a great opportunity and responsibility. I pray that I will be up to the task. I pray that all of us mothers will be. We are the determinants of society. We are building and developing the future of our civilization. We are preparing our youth for the challenges that will come in their lives, both personally and in the world at large. What an awesome (in the true sense of the word) responsibility. Mothers really are sacred.

Of course, I in no way mean to downplay the role of the father-- fathers play a vital and sacred role as well. But that's a post for a different time (and probably a different person since I'm not a father...).

So, do I treasure motherhood? Yes. It is truly my greatest treasure. I am sincerely grateful to be a mother.

Joseph's first poem

The Way Your Family Does Things
By J.D. Cheney

I’ve heard of your family before, you know.
And this is how you wish to go.

I’ve heard that you like to sneeze,
While your dog stops in the breeze.

Your brother eats some peas,
While your mother looks for her keys.

I’ve heard of your family before, you know.
And this is how you wish to go.

Hey, I know these guys...

http://deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,700245506,00.html?pg=1

Congrats, Tyler! You are amazing!

Me? Love dogs??

My sister-in-law, Mary (or Little Mary as the family calls her since she is one of two), is a dog lover. She lets her dog lick her (!) and sleep on her bed (!); and she even reads books about dogs and dog breeds. More than once, she has begged me, "Laney, please don't ever get a dog!" because she has heard more than one "ewww" or "go away dog!" come out of my mouth towards one of her canine friends.

Well, I don't know what came over me, but about a month ago I agreed to take full ownership of a chubby little lhasa apso dog. My sister's friend needed to find a new home for her dog because she was gone during the day for long hours; and in his lonely and irritated state, he would destroy her house. My sister asked if I knew anyone who wanted a dog; so, thinking of my mother-in-law who is also a dog lover and always on the lookout for a cute little dog, I got the scoop on the little pup.

I don't know what it was about this little dog, but my interest was peaked. I spent time reading more about the breed and decided that he would be a perfect dog for us and that we needed him. He is older, but not too old, house-trained, small, loves to travel, loves to be around people, and (most importantly) doesn't shed. It just seemed like an opportunity too good to pass up. And something about having a dog-- a small thing that would love me without talking back-- was very appealing.


So we are now the proud owners of Nicodemus-- a fluffy, soft, somewhat overweight, lhasa apso four-year-old. He's incredibly sweet and loves all of us, especially me-- usually without talking back. He follows me everywhere. He lays in the living room while I work and when I go into the kitchen or the bathroom or some other space in our little home, he follows me and lays down in that room. He loves to go on outings, especially in the car, and has claimed the front seat as his spot. When it's time to go, he waits at the top of our stairs just outside our front door until I go down first, and then he follows me down-- he won't go with the kids, he wants to make sure I'm coming too.

After we had him a couple of weeks, I had to leave him and the kids with Grandma so I could attend something for work or school (can't remember which-- my life's a blur...). When I got back after a couple days, he was the first to greet me. He jumped up on me (which he never does to anyone) and licked me. Then I sat on the couch and he laid across my lap for about 20 minutes (which he also doesn't usually do). It is nice to be loved so much. I mean, I know my kids love me, but they are less dependent on me (which I'm glad for-- they are old enough that mom shouldn't be the center of their lives). So it's fun to have Nicky. In fact, having a dog makes me feel like we are a "real" family for the first time since Carter died. I think Nicky is a blessing to all of us, and especially to me.


In fact, he's so great that I've decided I'm a lhasa apso convert-- I'll probably have one the rest of my life. They are great little dogs; even if I have to put up with listening to people mispronounce his breed name (I've heard people say "apso lapso" "lapso apso" "lhasa ahsa" "lapa lapa" and any number of stupid pronunciations). So aside from that and their typically stubborn natures, I think they are perfect dogs.

So, am I a "dog-person" now? No, not really. I mean, I let Nic lick me (!), and he sleeps on my bed (everyone who knows me very well has just fallen off their chairs). But I'm not going to start reading dog books, and I still get a little grossed out by some other dogs. I guess it's like having kids-- you may not like all children, but you sure as heck love yours. And I do love my little dog. He's just what we needed.

Lucky Mom

I'm a lucky Mom. My kids love each other so much-- and I'm not sure I've done a whole lot to create that. They've loved each other immensely since the moment they laid eyes on each other.

Today they are both hanging out with Grandma and Grandpa while I'm attending a faculty/staff retreat. Here's an email my father-in-law just sent me:

Hi Laney

Since it wasn't quite so hot today, I took the kids and dogs up on the hill this morning while Deb had a doctor's appointment. On the way back in the Dogmo, Emeline was telling me how great it was to have such a nice a brother who made her feel happy again whenever she felt sad. He would tickle her.

In response, Joseph tells me (very seriously) that he hopes his Mommy never has any more babies because she could never have another one as nice as Emeline. I thought that was a very nice thing for both of them to say, each in their own unique way.

This morning they were both doing crafts and painting. They're good kids.

Alan

Gotta love that. Things like that make being a Mom totally worth every difficulty...

I give up

Google disabled my account for no apparent reason. Apparently I'm not alone in this. I've tried correcting the problem, but it doesn't appear I will ever access my gmail or blogger account again. I vowed to never return to Blogger. But here I am. I'm spineless. I just don't like the format of the other blog sites I've found. Besides, I'm not actually opening a google account, I'm just using the product. At any rate, here is my new blog. It's irritating to open a new one, but I'm glad to be back online. It's just more fun to write something down when at least a few people will read it.