Hard to say...

I wasn't sure whether I wanted to call this post "The dumbest three weeks of my life" or "What was I thinking???" or "I've finally lost my mind". I keep thinking of the Princess Bride when the six fingered man says, "I've just sucked 2 years of your life away. How does that make you feel?" because I feel like I've just lost three weeks of my life focusing on something other than my to do lists.

Truly though, none of those headings are completely accurate-- it wasn't the dumbest three weeks of my life (though sometimes I wonder if I was being super stupid). And I don't regret the time I spent away from my to do lists. I don't think I've been as happy as I was for those three weeks in the last four years of my life. Several friends kept saying "Wow, Laney! You look really great!" or "Have you changed your hair?" But, no, I hadn't changed my hair or anything else-- I was just happy. Turns out, happiness looks pretty good on me. One friend said, "You're glowing." And I was. I haven't felt so light and happy in years.

So you're wondering what happened. And I'm hesitating to say. It's quite personal and I feel the need to protect, or at least respect, another involved party. So suffice it to say that I had a speedy relationship. 23 days to be exact. Twenty-three days of fun, joy, peace, arguing, frustration, and sadness-- pretty much in that order. It included one day that I would have to call nearly perfect (complete with hiking through untouched snow in a forest in search for the perfect tree, wiping diarrhea off of a nine-year old boy using a snow ball, building a snow grandma, and feeling more content than I have in months). After 16 days, we felt we had known each other for months, and so, crazy as it seemed, when he asked me to marry him I said yes. I changed my life plans with hope for a complete family and the ability to be a "real" mom at home with my kids and the option to bring some others into the world. I felt loved and desirable and beautiful and...well...really happy.

Unfortunately, a bitter reality of incompatible behaviors settled in, resulting in many hours and days of unpleasant debate and irritation on both sides. I was concerned about what I saw so I ended our engagement, asking that we date longer to work through some things; but he felt misjudged and preferred to move on. Both of us see the other one as the reason for the dissolution. And, sadly, we both think we are right. It's probably for the best that it ended though. There were many things that would have been great with us, but I see now that it would also have been very difficult in other significant ways.

It's hard, however, to shift back into life as it is. I'm tired of being alone and thought the end was in sight. Now I am back to seeing an endless road of heavy hauling. I'm thinking of ways that I can lighten my load and will likely make a few changes. But the change I want most is on hold again and still. Thankfully I have many good friends and loving family who support me. So far, no one I have told about this has been judgmental-- and all feel I was spared from something that could have been quiet difficult for many years.

I learned a lot from the experience, for which I am grateful. The most important lesson I learned is to trust God more completely. I thought that this man was practically perfect for me. He matched me in so many ways that it seemed so clear that being together was the way to go. I prayed about it and felt peace to continue. But as I moved forward it became clearer and clearer as the days progressed that he wanted me to change a few very fundamental parts of who I am to accommodate his needs and wants. He wanted me to give up or change things that were very important to me because he perceived them to get in the way of our relationship. And he never seemed to really trust my commitment and love for him. As I saw those things, I realized that he was not perfect for me and that we would likely have tension in our relationship indefinitely until one of us changed our fundamental selves. And since neither one of us believe we are wrong, change would be long in coming and the tension and unhappiness would have remained. So basically, God, instead of guiding me through feelings, let me move forward and helped me "figure it out myself." He let me rely on my reason rather than Him. If He had told me "No, that's not for you" before I could see it myself, I would have been hurt and upset and probably would have done what I wanted to anyway. But I see more clearly now that I can and should listen to Him and trust Him-- and rely on Him rather than my own intellect, which is quite flawed in my mortality. It's actually a lesson I've been taught a few times in the last two months, and this experience just solidifies what I've been learning. So the next time I'm dating Mr. Fabulous and God tells me "No", I'm not going to cry or try to reason around it as I have done a few other times. I feel ready to trust. And that's very good to feel.

So that's it. That's my story of the last month. I have to admit though, that as incompatible as we are, it's still hard for me to let go. I miss him. And I hate being alone. But I do feel this is for the best. He told me during our final discussion before ending communication with each other that I was going against what God had told me because I had felt peace about marrying him. But I believe that God leads us in a direction and then sometimes changes that direction rather quickly. And He does all things for our benefit and learning. The trick is to listen and to be willing to follow Him. So that's what I'm trying to do. I feel peace, and I think this dating relationship wasn't meant to be the final one for my life, but instead was a lesson to be learned. And I'm glad I learned it. Still, I hope I'm nearing the end of my lessons. I hope the next man who comes into my life gets to stay. That would be really nice.