Grateful

I have been overwhelmed today. I spend a lot of days feeling overwhelmed, but today was different. Instead of being overwhelmed with work, I have been overwhelmed with an outpouring of friendship and love. This week has been hard as I have wondered and worried about how to best handle this break-up. I have been greatly blessed with dear friends and family members who have spent a lot of time helping me through it.

Today it really hit me how much I have needed people and how abundantly they have come into my life this week. Today at work, a good friend showed great concern for me, listened to me as he always does, counseled me ever so carefully and then asked in all sincerity how he could help lift my burden. Later in the afternoon, my visiting teacher came and listened to me tell about my recent break-up and how difficult it is for me. She counseled me with love and held me tight when we said goodbye. And in the evening, I talked to another friend from work who called about a work related issue. She inquired about how I was doing and then listened to me and talked to me for over an hour, although I'm certain she was putting off something important to do so. She also counseled me in love and at the end of our conversation I apologized for keeping her so long, but she sincerely thanked me for letting her lift my burden a little. She expressed her love for me and told me how much people love me and want to help.

When she said that, I was reminded of the months just after Carter died. I was surrounded by people who loved me and who patiently listened to me process my thoughts and fears and sadness verbally. I work through things by talking, so it was helpful for me to be able to talk to so many people who wanted so much to help carry my burden. It truly helped me to heal.

This situation is different in many ways, but it is still the loss of a man I thought would a part of my life. So it has been really helpful for me to talk to several friends and hear of their love for me. I've had family members call me and talk for hours, I've gotten emails from others offering counsel and love and encouragement. Friends have called me or emailed me daily to check on me and usually spend a good amount of time listening to me work through it. Everyone has been tender with me and has encouraged me. All offer their counsel at my request, but are also careful to let me know that they will support me with whatever I choose to do. It really has lifted my burden, and I am so grateful for it. I'm not sure I could have managed this whole situation without the help, support, time, and advice from many special people in my life. I am truly overwhelmed by the number of people who care about me. I am grateful to God for putting them in my life whenever I really need them. I have times of feeling alone, but during this particularly difficult time of loneliness, I have felt a surge of support from so many people. I feel so blessed and privileged to have so many in my life. Thank you to all of you-- you help more than you know!

Holy Crap

I'm getting a cold. I have a slight fever and my head hurts a bit. I keep downing Anti-bio, an herbal concoction that burns everything out of ya. So hopefully it won't turn into something bad, but it's wearing me out a bit. Today I sat in church during singing time in Primary (it's so boring, I practically die every Sunday during singing time) thinking about how all I wanted to do was eat a bowl of hot soup and take a nap on the couch curled up under my soft, red Christmas blanket.

Singing time finally ended and I walked out to my car to find that my plans for the afternoon had been crapped on-- literally. My lovely dog, who barks too much when left alone at home, comes to church with us and sits in the car every Sunday. Normally it isn't a problem, but today I was greeted by an intense smell upon opening the car door. I knew what had happened the moment the scent hit my nose. Nicky, who has been eating junk food at Grandma's for 3 days, had diarrhea all over the back of my wagon. Much of it stuck to his back side and he also stepped in it. So not only was it all over the back of the car, but it was also on the seats and the console and, well, everywhere. I was so bloody mad. I have to admit that I lost my temper. I even swore in the church parking lot (so maybe they'll release me from my callings now...).

I drove home and instead of spending the afternoon resting my sick body, I spent 2 1/2 hours scrubbing my car and bathing my dog (which I had just done last night so that I wouldn't have to do it today). I was mad for about 2 of those hours. I thought I had gotten over my cussing problem, but it came back with a vengeance. I told the kids I was sorry for using bad words and they both said they didn't hear me saying any. I guess I was doing it under my breath. Someday I hope to really kick that habit. It's like smoking-- way hard to stop.

Anyway, my day of holy crap (well, it is the Sabbath) was not fun. But my car is very clean now and so is my dog. Sadly, I never did get a nap, but I eventually ate my warm soup. At least the day wasn't a complete loss...

Hard to say...

I wasn't sure whether I wanted to call this post "The dumbest three weeks of my life" or "What was I thinking???" or "I've finally lost my mind". I keep thinking of the Princess Bride when the six fingered man says, "I've just sucked 2 years of your life away. How does that make you feel?" because I feel like I've just lost three weeks of my life focusing on something other than my to do lists.

Truly though, none of those headings are completely accurate-- it wasn't the dumbest three weeks of my life (though sometimes I wonder if I was being super stupid). And I don't regret the time I spent away from my to do lists. I don't think I've been as happy as I was for those three weeks in the last four years of my life. Several friends kept saying "Wow, Laney! You look really great!" or "Have you changed your hair?" But, no, I hadn't changed my hair or anything else-- I was just happy. Turns out, happiness looks pretty good on me. One friend said, "You're glowing." And I was. I haven't felt so light and happy in years.

So you're wondering what happened. And I'm hesitating to say. It's quite personal and I feel the need to protect, or at least respect, another involved party. So suffice it to say that I had a speedy relationship. 23 days to be exact. Twenty-three days of fun, joy, peace, arguing, frustration, and sadness-- pretty much in that order. It included one day that I would have to call nearly perfect (complete with hiking through untouched snow in a forest in search for the perfect tree, wiping diarrhea off of a nine-year old boy using a snow ball, building a snow grandma, and feeling more content than I have in months). After 16 days, we felt we had known each other for months, and so, crazy as it seemed, when he asked me to marry him I said yes. I changed my life plans with hope for a complete family and the ability to be a "real" mom at home with my kids and the option to bring some others into the world. I felt loved and desirable and beautiful and...well...really happy.

Unfortunately, a bitter reality of incompatible behaviors settled in, resulting in many hours and days of unpleasant debate and irritation on both sides. I was concerned about what I saw so I ended our engagement, asking that we date longer to work through some things; but he felt misjudged and preferred to move on. Both of us see the other one as the reason for the dissolution. And, sadly, we both think we are right. It's probably for the best that it ended though. There were many things that would have been great with us, but I see now that it would also have been very difficult in other significant ways.

It's hard, however, to shift back into life as it is. I'm tired of being alone and thought the end was in sight. Now I am back to seeing an endless road of heavy hauling. I'm thinking of ways that I can lighten my load and will likely make a few changes. But the change I want most is on hold again and still. Thankfully I have many good friends and loving family who support me. So far, no one I have told about this has been judgmental-- and all feel I was spared from something that could have been quiet difficult for many years.

I learned a lot from the experience, for which I am grateful. The most important lesson I learned is to trust God more completely. I thought that this man was practically perfect for me. He matched me in so many ways that it seemed so clear that being together was the way to go. I prayed about it and felt peace to continue. But as I moved forward it became clearer and clearer as the days progressed that he wanted me to change a few very fundamental parts of who I am to accommodate his needs and wants. He wanted me to give up or change things that were very important to me because he perceived them to get in the way of our relationship. And he never seemed to really trust my commitment and love for him. As I saw those things, I realized that he was not perfect for me and that we would likely have tension in our relationship indefinitely until one of us changed our fundamental selves. And since neither one of us believe we are wrong, change would be long in coming and the tension and unhappiness would have remained. So basically, God, instead of guiding me through feelings, let me move forward and helped me "figure it out myself." He let me rely on my reason rather than Him. If He had told me "No, that's not for you" before I could see it myself, I would have been hurt and upset and probably would have done what I wanted to anyway. But I see more clearly now that I can and should listen to Him and trust Him-- and rely on Him rather than my own intellect, which is quite flawed in my mortality. It's actually a lesson I've been taught a few times in the last two months, and this experience just solidifies what I've been learning. So the next time I'm dating Mr. Fabulous and God tells me "No", I'm not going to cry or try to reason around it as I have done a few other times. I feel ready to trust. And that's very good to feel.

So that's it. That's my story of the last month. I have to admit though, that as incompatible as we are, it's still hard for me to let go. I miss him. And I hate being alone. But I do feel this is for the best. He told me during our final discussion before ending communication with each other that I was going against what God had told me because I had felt peace about marrying him. But I believe that God leads us in a direction and then sometimes changes that direction rather quickly. And He does all things for our benefit and learning. The trick is to listen and to be willing to follow Him. So that's what I'm trying to do. I feel peace, and I think this dating relationship wasn't meant to be the final one for my life, but instead was a lesson to be learned. And I'm glad I learned it. Still, I hope I'm nearing the end of my lessons. I hope the next man who comes into my life gets to stay. That would be really nice.